Panic!

Monday, May 08, 2006

heh... im getting... more... A1s....muahahahahaha!!!! *calm down*

ok.... hehe.... im sooooooo excited.... well... today rocks.... lala... well... every "A1-day" rocks.... haha.... oooook.... well... i was like totally mugging... yea... i got A1 for maths and Geog... haha... yea....

ok... well... yesterday night... sigh... well... i gotta apologise to Joel Ng... haha... yea... sorry man... if u even visit my blog... 4 the rest dun ask wat happened... jus take it as there was a clash for 2 different ideologies... of whatever u perceive it to be... yea...

well... actually.. our band... its messed up... however u wanna avoid it... its screwed up... messed up... and... well... its partially my fault... i dunno how u see it... but tats how i see it... sumtimes... i think abt wat ben said... am i playing 4 myself or for Him??? i mean.. worship is abt the inside... so... me playing drums... is it becoming a self-glorification thing?? is there real worship??? i dunno... if there is real worship... should i be bothered abt the songs??? should i be bothered abt how well a song is done? should i be bothered abt how well i had played??? or should i jus be worshiping God... playing my best not for myself... but for Him....

yea... i tot thru... man.... not jus the band is messed up... my life is messed up... howso?? well.. i... i havnt been right with God... i jus feel like i cant... well... worship Him wholeheartedly... yea... well... probably ben is gonna ask me to take a break... like wat he did to judith... heh... but... maybe i do need one... a break... time to think thru my walk with Him... yea... i mean.... how issit like... to go to church... and worship... when u really cant worship inside... where the songs that once made you lift your hands high and praise Him, suddenly doesnt mean as much 2 u??? suddenly... you cant worship wholeheartedly... suddenly... you need Him very much... but you have drifted away...

im at a loss... quiet time... devotions... bible study... church... i havnt been doing QT... i confess... for a very long time.... i think about 2 months... guess i haf a lot of stuff im thinking about... but its not an excuse... perhaps the real reason would be tat... tat i dun haf the heart to do it... really.... im busted... my life is messed up.... i made my decision to go into this sch 3 years ago... and im not sure now... maybe wat ben said is right... haha... he said sumthing like "education is the devil... it takes u away frm church/QT/God etc..." well... in a sense... hes a little right...

but tats not the main reason..... education is secondary... i can handle it... im a mugger.... whether i like to admit it or not... haha....

but the main reason lies... well... with me.... now i noe why im so shacked... why i always feel so tired... sigh... its the inside... im tired... not mentally... but rather, internally... im low... running low... im running on empty.... i need God in my life... i mean... there were times when i felt so at peace with God... when i felt right with God... when i felt tat becoming a Christian... being baptised... being in CBC... its all the best decisions ive made... but there are times when im running on empty... when im not right with God... when ive neglected my daily QT... etc... now is one of those times.... i really need God in my life now...

back to the band problem... sigh... i dunno whether i really need a break... i'll see abt that.... probably ben is gonna force me to take one... but... i dunno... sumhow... drums has become part of my life... inseperable... and sometimes i wonder... am i playing for myself or for God??? i look forward for every band prac... for every time we play... but now i realise... why do i look forward to it??? im treating it like a rock band or watever u wanna call it... am i playing for God??? i want to.... God help me!!!

i need to change... i need to change for the better.... so Lord... help me.. be my guide... guide me thru this time of turbulence in my life... deliver me... help me to worship You in spirit and in truth Lord... help me not to play for myself... but for the glory of You... help me to worship You in my playing... help me to let others worship you thru my playing... Lord.... also... help me... i noe i havnt been consistent in my QT... i noe i havnt been of the right heart to worship You... i havnt been in the right heart with You... so Lord... please... deliver me... help me to praise and worship You... remove all hinderances Lord... help me set my eyes upon You Lord, the author and perfecter of my life... forgive me Lord... forgive me....

{8:22 PM}