last night. i got the news. I wouldn't be playing this week. that meant i had to wait another 3 weeks to play. bitter. that was how i felt. bitter, and angry. why? for not being able to play. that was it. Javis told be it was human nature, to want to play. He told me the heart of worship was not just about playing for Him. I can not play and just praise Him. but i didn't want to listen. i didn't want to listen to Him. no. I was just too bitter. perhaps self-seeking.

and there i sat, nearing midnight. i was just thinking, and thinking. and the feeling of bitterness somehow just subsided. subsided. and it evolved into something else

realisation of my flaws. i reflected back on what Javis said, and yes, perhaps i was too consumed in wanting to play. I had completely forgotten about what i had stated. forgotten about the Heart of Worship and what it truly meant.

that's what worship is really about. I had neglected it totally. perhaps for something some would call "self-glory". i was self seeking.

and i sat there. miserable. just miserable. regretting what i had done. 10 minutes to midnight and i had not slept. i just prayed and prayed. i opened my bible, looking for some help from God. and there i was led to 1 Corinthians 13: 5. two words, just two words struck a chord. perhaps a message from God? the two words: "self-seeking".

those two words. made be feel so miserable. saddened. the heart of worship. forgotten. something i experienced a few days ago at PTL, now lost to the desire of playing. a desire?

at midnight. still not asleep. i sat there and prayed to God, asking Him to forgive what i had done. begged Him to forgive be for neglecting the main core, the essential and integral part of worship. begged Him to forgive me for being self-seeking, and asked Him to take it away from me.

for the first time in a long while, i cried. i cried for my sins, for my being self-seeking, and i cried for forgiveness.

the bible brought be to another passage. a Psalm

Answer me when I call to you O my righteous God.

Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.

Lord, forgive my weakness, Father. Let your face shine upon me Lord. I pray You will clense me Lord. Help me learn the true meaning of worship. Help me not be self-seeking Lord. it is human nature to seek personal glory; but Father, block out all these thoughts and feelings, help me focus on the true meaning of worship. and help everyone around me, those in the band, and in other bands, and every youth Father, that they will come to know the true meaning of worship, and not be self-seeking Father. Forgive me Father, and I pray this in Your name